More Camino Reflections (Not Sad)

I’ve been asked many times… was it what you expected?

That would be a resounding hell no.

I had visions of myself strolling through the fields of northern Spain on my own… having quiet moments and epiphanies about my career path and where I want to live. Hah…

I’ve talked about this with my Camino fam, and we all thought it would be the same thing: solo time. introspection. spirituality. reflection. realizations. figuring life out while walking…

It was none of that- at least not for me. Not this time around.

So what was it?

It was pure fucking joy and fun. It was indulgence. It was deep and and epic relationships. It was finding my people, my Family. It was being completely myself. It was being around people that were completely themselves. It was laughing every single day. Not just shallow, social laugher- deep, tears in my eyes laughter. It was unexpected. It was gritting my teeth and pushing through physical pain. It was both nirvana and hell at times. It was a celebration of doing hard things every single day. It was wine and late nights. It was playing cards with a full heart. It was dancing and singing in empty bars. It was inside jokes and shenanigans. It was so much love. And it was absolute carnage (as my Scottish friend, Frances, would describe our drunken nights).

It was the best thing I’ve ever done.

(I didn’t come CLOSE to figuring my shit out on the Camino, and I’m ok with that.)

People also ask… what was the best part of your Camino?

And every time I answer without hesitation- the relationships/friendships. People have been surprised by that answer.

Relationships run deep on the Camino, and I was so blessed to have found my Camino Fam. I don’t know if that happens for everyone. We’ve stayed in touch, and our reunions have been a highlight of my post-Camino life. I’ve seen members of my Camino Fam in Portugal (twice), Croatia, Colorado, & New York City. We’ve already flown all over the world to see & surprise each other, and I know I’ll see their faces in the future.

Life on the Camino revolves around food and drink. My diet changed, and my body paid dearly for it. First breakfast. Second breakfast. Cafes con leche with a packet of sugar (the Spanish way). So many snack stops. Multi-course pilgrim dinners. Always a basket of bread. All the cheese and meats. All the fried things. Potato tortillas. Over and over and over.

And the drinking! Oh lord, the drinking. At one point someone said, Who knew the Camino was actually the world’s longest bar crawl? I don’t see any lies there. It’s 500 miles of boozing. What can we say? Wine is cheap and delicious in Spain, and it’s a staple of every pilgrim menu. And that mid-walk, shoes-off, afternoon Radler with the gang just hits different…

A lot of people lose weight. I gained weight, and it’s not hard to see why. But I look at myself and think… that body walked 500 miles across an entire country… how could I not have anything but love, appreciation and wonder for everything its done?

A special shoutout to the feet that carried us. I wasn’t expecting feet to be such a big theme on the Camino, but there’s no way around that. All conversation and activities around feet are normalized; vasoline-ing over coffee, popping blisters at the dinner table, showing your feet to strangers, taping, bandaging, wrapping, soaking… the works. It cracks me up to think of a guy who sat down at our table once and said, I’m not gonna lie to you.. I filled my hotel bidet with ice water last night and soaked my feet in it. No shame.

Not everyone has feet issues or gets blisters. I didn’t get my first blister until day 22. All hell broke loose on my feet after that. At one point in Santiago I said, I should get a pedicure to which Chris promptly replied, Um no, you shouldn’t make anyone touch your feet right now. Fair point. In Croatia, I asked my best friend, Would you walk the Camino? She said, Not after seeing your feet! She did have to witness one of my toenails falling off, so, also fair. At least my blisters are finally disappearing.

That’s another funny part of the Camino… you set off on day 1 with the end in mind. Of course the Camino is a journey, but you’re still always walking towards Santiago de Compostela. In my most acute achilles pain, I imagined what it would be like to arrive at the cathedral; the end justifies the pain and the more miserable, wet days. Some days you just want to be there already. But there’s also a point when you realize.. Damn, I don’t actually want this to end.

The rituals of the Camino become a new, simpler way of life. Packing everything into your backpack in the morning. Choosing between 1 of 2 outfits everyday. (Obviously the one you didn’t wear the day before.) Setting off in the crisp morning air. Nothing to do but walking and talking. Nowhere to be but on the trail wishing each other a Buen Camino. Listening to music while taking in the views. Getting to the albergue and lining up my Salomons next to other shoes on community shoe racks. Baskets of poles. Shared meals. The sounds of fellow pilgrims snoozing and snoring. (Yes, I actually miss that.)

I wore my black Lululemon leggings for 39 days. I had been so excited to collect my suitcase and have “normal” clothes for our first night out in Santiago. I had on a pair of jean shorts for about 2 minutes before changing back into my leggings. Normal clothes took a minute to feel right. I thought I’d want to burn all my Camino clothes. Now I’ll make any excuse to wear my stupid, pink windbreaker. It reminds me of some of the best times I’ve ever had.

The Camino fundamentally changed who I am as a person. I’ve always been an introvert who needed a lot of solo time in my own space. On the Camino, I was more social than I have ever been in my LIFE. I didn’t need the alone time. There were certainly days when I wanted to walk by myself; however, with the right people, there was so much fulfillment from conversations, shared struggles, the shared experience, and the fact that we could be alone together.

After being with people non-stop for 45 days, I thought for SURE I would need my own room and space when I got to Portugal. I was surprised when I booked a shared hostel in Porto. I surprised myself again when I booked another hostel in Cascais. And then in Lisbon. (When I got to Lisbon I wondered.. Who the hell am I?!) I craved that human connection. I was better at sharing spaces, and I was a less finicky sleeper. I was more open to connecting with people, and I had an easier time making friends.

NEVERRRR in a million years would I have thought that I could be so content in the company of others for such an extended period of time. Right time, right place, right people. The Camino provides.

I feel changes in small ways too. I notice subtle things all the time that I credit to the Camino. I’m more able to go with the flow. I have an easier time letting things be, letting people go. I say yes to more things. I feel more worthy, less uptight, less fearful. I feel more comfortable with letting life be exactly what it is- beautiful and messy.

The Camino challenged me like nothing ever has, and I feel stronger for it- mentally, physically, and emotionally.

The Camino is a high. It’s a bubble. It’s break from reality where all you have to do is wake up, walk, savor every sight, and sip celebratory wine with your fam after arriving to each new town. Day after day.

I think you have be a little fed up, a little bit crazy, and a little bit tired of a draining, monotonous existence to walk the Camino in the first place. Unemployment rates are damn near 100%. Everyone has quit their jobs, shrugged off responsibilities for the time being, and left things behind. We’re out there attempting to free ourselves and make the most of this precious short life we have. We’re out there seeking adventure, craving something we can’t quite put our fingers on, searching for more than what we’ve been told should pass for a good life. It’s comforting to know that most people are in this shared mental space.

Reaching Santiago was an incomparable and hard-earned achievement. It’s also an ending. Obviously the high can’t last forever, and man it’s a far fall back to real life. I didn’t expect the finality of the Camino to be so sad and emotional. (That’s another blog post.) Returning home and navigating reality is hard. It’s missing people you shared every day with. It’s missing the freedom of a life with no worries or inhibitions. It’s feeling lost. It’s not knowing what’s next. It’s job searching (ugh). It’s not knowing how to explain it all to others.

It’s been over 2 months since I left Santiago, and I’m still processing the emotions of it all. I’m sure the intensity of the experience will fade with time.

I often Iook back at pictures of the Camino and it does something to my heart… it’s the most simultaneously sweet and painful nostalgia I’ve ever felt.

I would do it all again. And I might.